Another Reason To Get Off Social Media

One of my best friends is one of the most likable people I know. Everyone loves him. He’s a good dad, a good husband, a good friend — you get it. He goes above and beyond to put other people first and make anyone he meets feel special along the way.

Something he loves to do is send unsolicited messages on social media to let people know he’s excited for them. He doesn’t just click “like”, he actually takes the time to craft a thoughtful message and congratulate someone on their big moment.

Recently he told me that he’d seen a post from a guy he knew on facebook about a new job. That guy had been his best friend his entire freshman year of college. They’d done everything together. They went to class, partied, and hung out nonstop. So, when my buddy saw him being successful he wanted to send him a congratulatory message.

He wrote a private message to say that he was really happy to see his success, always knew he’d turn his passion into a career, and was really excited to watch his progress. He put a lot of thought into it. (Knowing my friend he probably spent longer on it than he should have. But that’s what makes him a great guy.) Then, he fired it off and went back to his day.

Later that afternoon he heard a ping and saw that he’d gotten a response. His old college friend responded:

“Thanks so much, I really appreciate! But, by the way…how do we know each other?”

When he told me that story I lost my mind. I laughed for five minutes straight. (Add storytelling to the list of things he’s great at.)

Here was my friend just trying to be nice and turned out this guy, whom he had spent many important moments with during college, didn’t even remember him.

He sent back “We went to college together! Keep crushing it!” then removed him as a friend.

That story made me laugh, but it also made me sad. Not only because the relationships in our life can be fleeting, but also that we’ve chosen to shrink those friendships down to lines on a screen. Everyone we meet gets added to our friends list, without a second thought, and they all get the same amount of space on the screen. The stranger you met at college orientation gets the same amount of space that your co-worker or best man gets, and before long it’s hard to distinguish between who matters and who doesn’t. When everything is the same, nothing is special.

Yet another reason to delete your social media and never look back.

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About Mark Toland

Mark Toland is an award-winning mind reader and two-time TEDx Speaker. His mind blowing skills have been featured on NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, NPR, WGN, Sirius XM, and more. Mark’s blog is a behind-the-scenes look at the life of a professional entertainer, full of creative thoughts for creative people. Sign up below so you’ll never miss a post.

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Perspective

Last week we drove a few hours outside of Chicago to see one of our favorite musicians, Martin Sexton, in concert. We’ve wanted to see him live for years but just hadn’t gotten the chance yet.

It was a cold night but we arrived early and huddled outside the theater so we could enter the theater early and grab front row seats. But as the minutes ticked by and the start of the show grew closer we grew increasingly disappointed. We had assumed the venue would be packed but unfortunately there was hardly anyone in attendance.

I had built this night up in my mind: standing room only, the buzz of a well-respected performer about to take the stage, a big crowd singing along to music that I’ve listened to for much of my life. Instead, we were part of a small crowd of only about 50 people and it made me sad to think about how much I loved this performer and how I wanted other people to love them, too.

There’s no rhyme or reason why some performers sell out massive arenas and other performers struggle to find an audience. Sometimes it’s timing, other times it’s complete luck. It’s not to say performers with huge fan bases haven’t worked hard - they definitely have, but performers who don’t have big followings work hard, too, they just might not have gotten the same breaks that other artists have.

As we were waiting for the show to begin I started to think about my own work. For all of my big shows and wonderful opportunities, I’ve also had to persevere through many a bad performance.

I’ve performed in college cafeterias during lunchtime when I struggled to get a single student to look up from their laptop. I might as well have been invisible.

I’ve done midnight shows at festivals when there were only four people in the audience. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I’ve done company events where the audience was unruly and the sound system was so bad that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

You name it, I've probably done it.

When you spend an entire day travelling only to have a bad venue or a small audience it can be really defeating. You start to feel sorry for yourself and wonder why you even wanted to be a performer in the first place. You feel the weight of every bad show you’e ever done and every mistake you’ve ever made and it can be hard to shift that mindset and even care about the show you’re about to do.

So when I saw how small my favorite musician’s audience was last week I couldn’t help but replay all of those moments in my mind. And then, all of that changed.

He walked out and stepped in front of the microphone. Without any amplification he filled the entire space with a stirring rendition of one of his best songs. And everyone went crazy.

He made a joke about the show being “a living room gig”. He didn’t make fun of the audience or feel sorry for himself. He just acknowledged the situation and let us know that he was still going to give it his all.

And he did.

Song after song he filled the space with his amazing talent. Everyone was completely enthralled for the entire show. And by the end we rose to our feet in a huge ovation.

It was no longer disappointing that the audience was so small. It was a privilege. We got to see him in a small setting - everyone else had missed out. It was easily one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.

For two hours straight I had been transported into his world. I don’t know if he had been disappointed with the turnout backstage but if he was it didn’t show. He shifted his perspective of the night into a positive one and transmitted that feeling to us. It was clear that he loves what he does and was grateful to all 50 of us for coming out to see him on one of the coldest nights of the year.

Everyone tells you that if you work hard then you can do anything you want. But honestly? Most things are out of your control. You don’t know where you’re going to end up or how much money you’re going to make. And you can’t will a world tour into existence. But you can shift your perspective and remind yourself to be proud of what you do and be excited to share it with other people.

It can be so easy to get down on yourself when it feels like you aren’t living up to your own expectations. And with social media, it’s far too easy to compare ourselves to others and their version of success. But success comes in many, many forms. You can phone it in because hardly anyone showed up to your show or you can blow the roof of the joint for fifty of your biggest fans in central Illinois and give them a night they’ll always remember

It’s all in how you look at it.

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Other Thoughts:

• Last night I was on the Nick Digilio Show on WGN 720AM Radio. Check out the interview here..

• Next week I’m giving my second TEDx Talk at TEDxYouth@Hinsdale. Watch my website for the full video soon!

• See me live in March at the Chicago Magic Lounge! Go here for all of my other upcoming performances.

Magic Words That Really Work

As a performer I use certain words and phrases to get people to cooperate and make me look good onstage. When used correctly these words work wonders.

The best part? You can use most of these special phrases in your everyday life to be a better conversationalist, remember people’s names, and put people at ease.

They may not be as cool as “wingardium leviosa” but these are real-life magic words that really work.

"Good To See You": Use this phrase every time you greet someone. If it’s the first time you’ve met them they’ll think you’re just being nice. Or, if you’ve met them before they’ll be convinced you remember them…even if you completely forgot! 

"Remind Me Of Your Name": This is my go-to phrase anytime I forget someone’s name. By asking someone to remind you they’ll wonder if they weren’t memorable enough the first time you were introduced, or maybe they just never told you their name in the first place! You’re subtlety placing the blame on them, without making them feel bad. Sneaky, huh?

"Yes, and…": I was having a conversation recently and the other person said “Not only that but…” in response to a point I made. Even though they were being positive about what I had told them, I couldn’t stop thinking about the negative words they had used like “not” and “but”. Instead, try saying “Yes, and…” to build on someone’s thoughts in a positive manner. It will make them feel good about their ideas and they’ll be more likely to agree with you, too. (Plus, if you ever move to Chicago you’ll fit right in.)

"Tell Me More": When you’re having a conversation, pay attention for the best moment to ask the other person to “tell you more”. By doing so, you’re searching for the conversation they want to be having. You really have to pay attention to use this phrase, which means you’ll get bonus points for actually being a great listener. When used correctly, “tell me more” will lead to some of the most fascinating conversations you’ve ever had.

"No Worse Than Me": Sometimes I need to have volunteers help with a strange task during the show, such as shuffling cards or drawing a picture. Usually people are a little hesitant, saying something like “Oh, I’m a terrible artist!” or something similar. I quickly say “Don’t worry, you’re no worse than me!” to put them at ease. For a split second, it makes us equals and takes the pressure off. I’ve just started using this one in the past month but it really works!

So there you go…some new magic words to go along with “please” and “thank you”. Try them out and let me know if they work for you!

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Other Thoughts:

• I’m headlining at the Chicago Magic Lounge next weekend, September 19-22. Get tickets here.

• Never miss a post! Click the button above or go here to Join The Mystery!

• Within the past week I had one of the worst shows of my life and one of the best in the same 24 hour span. I’ll write about it in greater detail for a future Thursday Thoughts post, but it just goes to show that there are always new things to learn, you can always get better, and nothing is ever that big of a deal.

Permission

Do you ever find yourself waiting for someone else to give you permission to get started on something?

I know I do. All the freakin’ time. Or at least I did - I’ve been trying to get better at it…

See, what I used to do was see how someone I admired was doing something and think that there couldn’t possibly be any other route to get there. I just assumed that this person I looked up to had found the secret formula and had all the answers. So I waited for things to fall into place so I could do it just like they did.

And while I was waiting, I’d get other ideas. “Oh, what about this?” or “What if I did it this way?” I’d say to myself. But I never pursued those options because I couldn’t find anyone else doing them, too. Days, weeks, or even months would pass, then out of the blue I’d hear someone suggest one of my ideas and think “Oh, it will work! Let’s do it!”

All it took to get started was for someone else to give me permission. I just needed their permission to believe in my own idea.

Does that make sense?

This is a weird thought that’s been spinning around in my head this week. It’s one of those ideas that makes sense when I’m thinking about it, but the more I try to write it the more esoteric it becomes.

I promise it’s not that complicated. Let me give you a more concrete example:

My friend is a brilliant artist. She’s smart and talented and creative and hard working. Not to mention, her work is incredible. But, she’s a bit of an introvert. So when she reads business books or takes workshops, she gets depressed when she realizes how bad she is at marketing her products. Everything she studies tells her she needs to be outgoing nonstop so she can make connections and build her business.

We were having lunch once day and I said, “You’re looking for answers in the wrong places. You need to find ways to promote yourself that match your personality.”

She said that I was probably right but I knew that she didn’t believe me. I wasn’t in her industry; I wasn’t one of her role models. What did I know?

Then, last weekend, she let me know that she had met one of those role models and she explained to me their advice. It was practically identical to what I had told her.

“I’m going to find ways to promote this as an introvert. There are plenty of options out there - I just didn’t look hard enough.”

“That’s what I said months ago!” I told her. It took her a moment to remember.

“Oh yeah. You did.”

She didn’t rely on her own strengths to carve her own path. She had to wait for someone else to give her permission. It was someone she admired, so once they did she started to believe it.

The truth is, you don’t need to wait. You have everything you need already. You don’t need another business book or an online course. You don’t need to mimic everyone else.

The comedian Pete Holmes has a great joke about Burger King. His observation is that Burger King only opens a restaurant somewhere after McDonald’s has opened one in that location first. It’s like they didn’t know that they could do it until McDonald’s showed them the way. Holmes talks about his early comedy path and how he would “Burger King it” by seeing other comedians doing something different and realizing he could do it, too.

I never thought I would say this on Thursday Thoughts, but be McDonald’s not Burger King.

Chances are you’ve probably already had many ideas that can get you from where you are now to where you want to be, so stop waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay and start giving those ideas a shot. You don’t need anyone’s permission except your own.

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Other Thoughts:

• I’ll be performing at The Magic Penthouse in Chicago this weekend. Use code “laborday” for 50% off tickets.

• Are you on the mailing list? Join The Mystery to get tour dates, special announcements and new posts.

• Just did a show at Ramapo College in Mahwah, NJ a few days ago. Obsessed with my 360 camera, so here’s a behind-the-scenes view:

The Right Person

I spend most of my show reading people. Not minds - people.

I’m constantly scanning the audience for the next volunteer. I need a person who is cooperative and seems friendly. They need to be helpful and able to follow instructions. It helps if they’re sober, too.

See, my show is not about me. It’s about you, the audience. I think of you as my cast, your thoughts as my props, and your mind as my stage. So I need to find the best volunteers to become supporting players in this production.

I don’t stop reading someone when they come onstage either. If anything, I’m watching them even more closely.

Are they uncomfortable? Or nervous? 

Am I respecting their boundaries?

Are they able to take a joke? Or did I just cross a line?

I’m always weighing those questions and catering my performance to their subconscious, subtle demands.

Then, I watch for the ultimate cue: Are they ready?

Are they ready for the moment? Have I taken them to a place where they are fully prepared to react?

Will they be amazed?

Then, and only then, will they be ready for the moment of wonder. These things take time, and it all comes down to being a good judge of people.

When it comes to the show, I can be a bit of a control freak. I’ll give you an example: 

During my tour this summer I hid somewhere in the theatre so I could watch people while they entered the room. In Florida, I paper clipped the curtains at an angle so I could peek thru a slit. In Ontario, I hid in the shadows to get a view of people as they took their seats. In San Diego, I widened a pre-existing hole in the drywall. I wanted to get an idea of what kind of audience I was working with before the show even began. 

There’s a point in my show where I try to find one of the smartest men in the room to participate. I want an engineer or architect, someone who is good with numbers and a bit cynical of the proceedings. It’s not supposed to be a challenge. It’s because I want the audience to witness a transformation.

The penultimate show of The Mystery Tour was also the best show of the entire tour. It was perfectly paced and the audience was with me every step of the way. One of the best parts was when I called on a man for the “transformative moment”.

I’d been watching this guy the whole show. He was clearly very smart and also extremely skeptical of what I was doing. It wasn’t a rude skepticism. It was a “I’ll-only-buy-it-if-it-happens-to-me” kind of vibe.

“What do you do for a living, sir?” I asked.

“I work in IT,” he replied.

I smiled to myself. After hundreds of shows, year after year, you just know these things.

The man took a seat onstage and I started to break down his barriers. My script is full of self-deprecating jokes and reassuring gestures to make sure my volunteer knows he is an equal and not an adversary.

Several minutes passed and we’d reached the point of no return: the moment of wonder. In rapid succession his guard dropped at roughly the same rate as his jaw. Then, he just started laughing to himself.

It was incredible. The audience had seen a jaded man walk onstage and visibly transform in front of their very eyes. It had all happened in under five minutes.

“Give him a big round of applause!” I said, shaking his hand as I led him back to his seat.

Under the cover of the applause he looked up at me and said “That was fucking insane.”

I wish I could put that quote on my website. In a way, I guess I am.

My title may be “Mind Reader” but the truth is, it really comes down to reading people. I’m not here to convince you of something supernatural or get you to buy into a new belief system. I’m just here to show you that maybe there’s something more to this than what you think. Maybe the world is just a little bit bigger or more mysterious than you thought it was before the curtain went up.

To do that I need the right person. And if you’re lucky, it might be you.