There's Another Way

I was attending a conference in Las Vegas once when I recognized a man standing across the room. He was overdressed with an ill-fitting pinstriped suit and shiny shoes. I knew him because he was a booking agent for performers and we had briefly corresponded in the past. So, I took a business card out of my pocket and worked my way across the room to introduce myself.

From what I had read about this guy online, he was everything I’m not. He was always in “sales mode”, like a character in “Glengarry Glen Ross”. Everything he did, everything he said, everything he wrote, and everything he shared was designed for one thing: to close the sale and make him more money.

I’m the exact opposite. I cringe at the thought of always closing and networking makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. My approach has always been to simply be good at what I do and let my work speak for itself. I’ve always thought that all I need is one shot in front of a person to convince them that I’m worth working with.

That approach has worked well for me so far. Even during the pandemic I’ve been fortunate enough to get myself in front of people and use that opportunity to win them over. For example, back in July I did an event for Zoom. (Yes, THAT Zoom.) It was one of their regional events with a small team and I knew that I was one of many performers that they had been working with. So I prepared a special performance just for them, in hopes of setting myself apart from any of the other acts they had seen.

It’s the same mentality I have when I do a cabaret show with 4 or 5 other performers on the line-up. I always try to raise my level so that people will remember my performance long after the show. I’ll spend weeks writing and rehearsing new material just so I can blow the competition out of the water. I use those moments as personal motivation, like Michael Jordan in The Last Dance, taking everything personally and using it as ammo to destroy my rivals in the next game. I love it when people come up after those shows and say, “Everyone was awesome tonight but you were the best!” That’s what I’m going for.

I guess the show went over well back in July because it led to several other events with them, including an appearance at their annual user conference in October alongside the CEO. All it took was one time for me to convince them to work with me for good.

As I approached that booking agent in Vegas those were the thoughts that were running through my mind. Convince him to give you one opportunity and you can prove your value forever. I waited for a lull in conversation then calmly walked up and introduced myself.

You know when people are so rude that they won’t even give you the time of day? That’s what this guy was like. He was inconsiderate from the get-go, dismissive of my introduction and hardly listening to what I was saying. I told him that I knew who he was and thought we could work together. He asked what materials I had and I gestured to my card saying “it’s all on my website.” But he was barely listening.

“Listen,” he said, “You’re probably not ready. You need a lot of experience to do this. Do you have my course?”

The fucking audacity of this guy, to try to sell he his freaking course when I was just trying to introduce myself! I knew this guy had put out a $1000 marketing course with general guidance on how to book shows and work with clients, but I’d been too busy actually doing shows to have time to watch a course tell me things I already know. Plus, the reviews were lackluster so I wasn’t about to waste money on something that was already being taught better in other places.

“I don’t need your course,” I said firmly, “I’m already doing it. I just thought it’d be good for us to work together sometime."

“Take the course,” he said, “Then we can talk.”

“I’m good,” I said, “But now you have my card in case you want to do business together sometime.”

I never heard from him, but that’s okay because things kept getting busier for me. Every year since then has been busier than the year before. And I never even took his course! It’s almost like he was completely full of shit.

The problem with people like that is that they seem to think that they’ve found the only way to achieve success. The truth is, there are multiple ways to be successful. You can be the pushy salesman wearing customers out with your pitch until, completely exhausted, they finally work with you. Or, you can go the more fulfilling route and just be really good at your craft so people will remember you and always want to work with you. Either way, you already have everything you need to get to where you want to be.

I just saved you a thousand bucks!

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About Mark Toland

Mark Toland is an award-winning mind reader and two-time TEDx Speaker. His mind blowing skills have been featured on NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, NPR, WGN, Sirius XM, and more. Mark’s blog is a behind-the-scenes look at the life of a professional entertainer, full of creative thoughts for creative people. Sign up below so you’ll never miss a post.

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Another Reason To Get Off Social Media

One of my best friends is one of the most likable people I know. Everyone loves him. He’s a good dad, a good husband, a good friend — you get it. He goes above and beyond to put other people first and make anyone he meets feel special along the way.

Something he loves to do is send unsolicited messages on social media to let people know he’s excited for them. He doesn’t just click “like”, he actually takes the time to craft a thoughtful message and congratulate someone on their big moment.

Recently he told me that he’d seen a post from a guy he knew on facebook about a new job. That guy had been his best friend his entire freshman year of college. They’d done everything together. They went to class, partied, and hung out nonstop. So, when my buddy saw him being successful he wanted to send him a congratulatory message.

He wrote a private message to say that he was really happy to see his success, always knew he’d turn his passion into a career, and was really excited to watch his progress. He put a lot of thought into it. (Knowing my friend he probably spent longer on it than he should have. But that’s what makes him a great guy.) Then, he fired it off and went back to his day.

Later that afternoon he heard a ping and saw that he’d gotten a response. His old college friend responded:

“Thanks so much, I really appreciate! But, by the way…how do we know each other?”

When he told me that story I lost my mind. I laughed for five minutes straight. (Add storytelling to the list of things he’s great at.)

Here was my friend just trying to be nice and turned out this guy, whom he had spent many important moments with during college, didn’t even remember him.

He sent back “We went to college together! Keep crushing it!” then removed him as a friend.

That story made me laugh, but it also made me sad. Not only because the relationships in our life can be fleeting, but also that we’ve chosen to shrink those friendships down to lines on a screen. Everyone we meet gets added to our friends list, without a second thought, and they all get the same amount of space on the screen. The stranger you met at college orientation gets the same amount of space that your co-worker or best man gets, and before long it’s hard to distinguish between who matters and who doesn’t. When everything is the same, nothing is special.

Yet another reason to delete your social media and never look back.

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About Mark Toland

Mark Toland is an award-winning mind reader and two-time TEDx Speaker. His mind blowing skills have been featured on NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, NPR, WGN, Sirius XM, and more. Mark’s blog is a behind-the-scenes look at the life of a professional entertainer, full of creative thoughts for creative people. Sign up below so you’ll never miss a post.

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A Ruined Experience

Here’s my latest story of someone ruining The Experience™:

We decided to go to the suburbs this week to browse some book stores. Shopping in the city during the pandemic has been a nightmare, mainly because the stores aren’t designed for people to space themselves out comfortably.

So, we were pleasantly surprised that the shopping experience in the ‘burbs was much more enjoyable. The stores were more spacious, everyone was keeping to themselves, and we were actually able to find what we were looking for.

Everything was going so smoothly that we started store-hopping. We went from a used book store to a craft store to a hardware store and finally to a well-known book store. (I don’t want name them here so we’ll call them Barnes & Noble.)

99% of The Experience™ at Barnes & Noble was good. There was plenty of space to browse, we weren’t constantly getting bumped into by other customers, and their inventory was on point. I was even able to find several books I’d been looking for. But then, I headed to the register to check out and everything went off the rails.

“Hello! How are you today?” I said, as I stepped to the counter smiling beneath my mask.

The clerk responded politely, scanned my books, then turned to look at me.

“Do you have a Barnes & Noble account?” he asked.

I explained that I did not but thanked him for asking. But he pressed further…

“Well, if you signed up today you would actually make money. It’s only $25 but you’d save $27, so even if you never used it again it will have been worth it.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” I said calmly, hoping that was the end of it.

“All I need is your phone number and name and that’s it!” he said. He stood there frozen, as if he couldn’t proceed until I gave him my personal information.

“I think I’m okay,” I repeated.

“I wish I could turn down free money! That must be nice,” he said rudely.

I’d had enough. “Nothing’s free!” I said. “Last time I had an account it was impossible to cancel and you guys wouldn’t stop e-mailing me.”

He muttered to himself, dropped the receipt in the bag, and slid it to me without saying a word.

“Thanks so much,” I said, resorting to my well-practiced midwestern faux-kindness. “Have a great rest of your day.”

I left Barnes & Noble in a foul mood. Everything up to that point had been wonderful. In fact, our entire trip to the suburbs was fantastic. But then, in a few short minutes, The Experience™ had been clouded by my conversation at check out. What a bummer.

But, what can learn from this? At least two things…

First off, the cashier had tried to say that giving my phone number was no big deal. But that’s not true. Giving away your phone number is yet another invasion of privacy and a way for corporations to know more about you. I have a lot of friends who always say, “Who cares? They already have all the information about you!” To which I say, “That doesn’t make it right. And that doesn’t mean I’m going to hand over my information willingly.” I’m willing to pay two dollars more to make it as hard on them as possible.

And second, my experience — The Experience™ — should matter more to a company than my personal information or meeting a quota for member sign-ups. If you give me the best experience possible — from the moment I arrive at your establishment to the moment I leave — I’ll be your customer for life. No fucking phone number required.

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About Mark Toland

Mark Toland is an award-winning mind reader and two-time TEDx Speaker. His mind blowing skills have been featured on NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, NPR, WGN, Sirius XM, and more. Mark’s blog is a behind-the-scenes look at the life of a professional entertainer, full of creative thoughts for creative people. Sign up below so you’ll never miss a post.

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A Prediction

Here’s a prediction:

We aren’t going to learn anything from the pandemic. We aren’t going to rebuild our grocery stores and community spaces to prevent overcrowding. We aren’t going to maintain social distancing, but rather celebrate when we can pack into buses, trains, and planes all over again. In fact, I almost guarantee you that we’ll see some kind of advertisement that tells us to “Sit in the middle seat and celebrate the return of normal!”

For years I’ve dealt with miserable travel conditions, pedestrians bumping into me on the sidewalk, crowded businesses, and more. And now we’re seeing how awful those conditions were, but I’m guessing that not much is going to change.

I’m not trying to be cynical here. I just think it’s obvious. We’re in really weird, divided times and I don’t think we’ll come out of this any better than we were before. It’s a shame really because you’d think this could be a real opportunity for progress.

Since big changes seem really unrealistic, the real goal should be for us to come out of this better as individuals. I, for one, have already made changes in my life that I hope will last long after this is over.

For example, I’m not as rushed to tackle my work any more. Since I know people understand that times are weird and things take longer right now, I use it as an excuse to only check my e-mail once a day and limit any work to 2-3 hours. My bookings are still consistent, even though I’m limiting time spent in the office.

I’m trying not to be “on call” either. I used to drop everything at a moment’s notice to respond to an e-mail or call a new client. Now I refuse to give out my cell number and I only set up a call if absolutely necessary. It seems like social media, texting, and instant communication has trained us all to be readily available at a moment’s notice, but I’m not a fan.

Moving forward I also want my live shows to mirror my virtual ones. I don’t mean the material, I mean the feel of doing them. When I do a virtual show everything is set up and ready to go. I simply walk in to the other room, turn on the lights and camera, and do the show. It’s like having my own theater in Las Vegas. The props are in place, the audience is waiting, and I only focus on doing a good job. I’m still figuring out how to mimic that feeling for live shows but there has to be a way.

Also, the past six months of virtual gigs have really taught me a lot about connecting with an audience. I almost feel like my virtual shows have gotten better than my live ones. There’s a calmness to the virtual shows that a stage show doesn’t have. I’m meeting people on their level, talking to them casually like they’re a human being and not just an object onstage. I’m following a loose script but mostly I’m actively listening to them and genuinely trying to create a meaningful connection. Sometimes you get so caught up with the production of a live show that you forget to make an impact on a personal level. It’s a good reminder of what matters most.

I’m also trying to stop working so much. I saw a magazine at the store the other day that said “7 Ways To Be More Productive On Your Commute!” Society tells us to constantly be working, to maximize our time, and never waste a second. Why? 2020 has been a horrible year and the pandemic has brought misery into millions of lives, but if there’s any positive it’s that we’ve had to pause the rat race and focus on what’s really important. The last thing I care about is a new tip on how to maximize my output.

It’s been months since I made a to-do list. Once I settled into the flow of online work I decided to focus on my perfect day and nothing else. Turns out my perfect day doesn’t involve making cold calls, networking, creating a content calendar, or any of that other stuff I used to be doing. My perfect day is a cup of coffee with my wife, a writing project, and a good book or film to end the day. When things get back to normal — whatever that may mean — I’m going to remind myself that that’s all I really need.

These are just a few of the many ways I’m trying to improve myself during this strange time and I plan on making these changes permanent. BUT, my prediction still stands. So, a year from now when you’re standing shoulder-to-shoulder on a train just to sit in a packed, sold out theater to see my show, at least you’ll be seeing a new me, a better version of myself. MT 2.0.

And I’ll be sure to remind you that “I told you so” . . . in more ways than one.

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About Mark Toland

Mark Toland is an award-winning mind reader and two-time TEDx Speaker. His mind blowing skills have been featured on NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, NPR, WGN, Sirius XM, and more. Mark’s blog is a behind-the-scenes look at the life of a professional entertainer, full of creative thoughts for creative people. Sign up below so you’ll never miss a post.

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You Only Cry Once

FADE IN

INT. EVENING - UNKNOWN ELECTRONICS STORE

A man lurks in the shadows, pacing back and forth.

STORE CLERK (O.S.)
Have you made a decision, Mr. Bond?

007 walks forward out of the shadows and stops next to an array of shiny, expensive looking gadgets.

JAMES BOND
I don’t have much of a choice, do I?
If I’m going to track them down I’ll
need the best machine that money can buy.

CUT TO: Thursday Thoughts

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As a solopreneur you will inevitably find yourself needing to invest in some specific gear or materials for your business. For me that’s been technical equipment, travel gear, props, wardrobe, marketing materials, and professional assistance from people who possess skills in areas that I do not.

Something I wish I’d learned early on is that anytime I needed to buy any of those things I should have bought the best equipment possible. I should have invested in the best computer or the best camera or the best…whatever.

Yes, it’s expensive to buy the best gear. But any time I purchase a cheaper model I end up having to replace it multiple times and spending even more than I would have on the nicest gear in the first place.

A good move I made many years ago was to invest in some quality sound gear. I was doing a New Year’s Eve event outside St. Louis and the technician for the event was phenomenal. We ended up chatting for a couple hours before I took the stage. I picked his brain on gear - specifically options that would be useful for my work as a traveling, one-person crew. A week after the event I bit the bullet and ordered the gear.

Oh, it hurt. I definitely couldn’t afford it at the time. We had just moved into our first house and I was freelancing all over the place to make ends meet. But, I had a vision for what I wanted to be doing and what sort of gear would benefit my shows long-term. So I pulled the trigger and ordered that microphone.

That was over 7 years ago and I’m still using it to this day.

The same goes for my luggage. For years I dragged a couple dingy suitcases around the world. I’d watch in horror as the flight crew would carelessly throw them onto the plane or they’d come tumbling down the baggage claim. They were always in need of being replaced.

I remember speaking with another performer who said “I buy new suitcases once a year.” The HORROR! I don’t consider myself a fortune teller but I could definitely NOT see myself buying suitcases every year for the rest of my life.

So, I did my research and found a better option. (Away for anyone who’s interested, and NOT a sponsor.) I’ve been doing more shows than ever the past few years and giving my Away bags a beating. They were a little expensive initially but they’ve saved me in the long run. And yes, I’m still using them.

Now before you run out and buy all those you things you want, there is a bit of a caveat to all of this. You need to ask yourself some questions first:

Can I afford it? Do I need this? Do I need this right now? Can I wait to order this?

I’m not telling you to buy everything you need this instant. I’m telling you to invest wisely. And part of investing wisely is knowing what will benefit you, both short-term and long-term.

If you quit your job to start a YouTube Channel, you probably don’t want to buy the best camera gear out there right away. But that doesn’t mean you should just buy whatever you can afford. Do some research and find the best option in your price range. Eventually, you can upgrade it to a better model when the time is right.

Also, don’t fall into the trap of thinking gear will make you better. I built my business early on with what I had: affordable props, tattered suitcases, an ill-fitting suit. I had to get by as best I could and not worry about what else was out there. When the time was right I started upgrading my gear piece by piece. I prioritized what mattered most: sound equipment, travel gear, etc.

There are entire Hollywood movies being filmed on iPhones. The nicest gear isn’t just going to magically make your problems go away. Double down on the gear you already own and make the most of it.

Another key to all of this is to be able to recognize your own strengths so that you can make smart investments in your business.

For instance, I really enjoy puzzles. I love jigsaw puzzles, logic problems, math, and more. Expertly packing a car for a long road trip brings me immense satisfaction. A puzzle that I really enjoy is video editing. I spend hours experimenting with little projects, just to see if I can make something that I dreamed up happen onscreen. Most of those projects go unshared. It’s really just a fun hobby for me. But, occasionally I edit something for my work like this new demo for Virtual Shows:

I taught myself video editing software because it interested me. And I’m willing to spend long hours working on a project. But that might not be true for you. So maybe instead of investing in the camera gear, software, computer, hard drive, and online courses, you would be better off hiring someone to do it for you.

You may not have the time to learn everything that goes along with your business. Or, it may not interest you whatsoever. Finding someone who can help you in those areas is always a wise decision. It will give you more time to devote to the things you are good at and the end product will meet your expectations because you hired a pro to do it.

This entire post was inspired by two quotes that my wife has heard through her work as a photographer. Obviously, photographers have to invest in expensive gear for their projects and this topic is something that comes up quite often.

The first quote is that when you are thinking about investing in something you should always ask yourself “Will this make my ship go faster?”

I like that sentiment because it forces you to ask the right question. You need to know what you’re investing in and if that investment will pay off over time. If what you’re buying will help you make more money (your ship going faster) then it’s probably worth it.

Which brings me to the other quote. It’s something that I wish I’d heard years ago. A photographer my wife follows says that she always tries to buy the best gear because that way “You only cry once.”

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SCENE CONT'D

Bond picks up a small computer and gazes at it with trepidation. He pulls a silver credit card from his breast pocket.

STORE CLERK
A wise decision, sir.

JAMES BOND
I'd like to think so.
(Beat.)
You know what they say...

STORE CLERK
What's that, Mr. Bond?

JAMES BOND
Buy the best now...and
you only cry once.

CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS - THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Drops In A Bucket

Most of the self-improvement advice I read goes something like this:

“If you want to be good at XXX you have to do XXX every single day.”

(Call it the Seinfeld Srategy or The X Effect or whatever you want, but I’m certain you’ve probably heard it before, too.)

Obviously, that makes a lot of sense. But it’s not an all or nothing proposition. I’ve read about many people working on a goal who became discouraged after they missed a day in the chain. They end up treating that missed day as a failure and falling off the wagon entirely. I’ve been there myself.

For me, it’s running. I try to lift weights and eat well but my big commitment has been to run as often as possible. Since my travel schedule is so unpredictable running has become my best option for exercising when on the road.

Before my trips I try to plan out my travel accordingly: Does the hotel have a gym? (I can use a treadmill in case the weather is unbearable.) Is there a running path nearby? What does my weekly mileage look like and will I have enough time for those runs?

That’s how I’ve approached my travel for years. I land in any given city already thinking about my run. As soon as I get to the hotel I change, stretch, and I’m out the door. Making my runs a priority always makes me feel happy and healthy and ready to give a good performance later that evening.

I’ve run over the Brooklyn Bridge and next to Niagara Falls. I’ve run down the Las Vegas Strip and along the Pacific Ocean. I’ve run trails in Pittsburgh and beaches in Florida, mountains in California and roads in the heartland.

Sometimes I have to run on a treadmill. Sometimes I have to run slower when I’m tired or shorter distances when I don’t have much time to spare. Sometimes my iPod isn’t charged and I run to the sound of my own thoughts. Sometimes I run on a track and sometimes I run around the parking lot of my hotel just to be outside.

It doesn’t matter. I don't understand when someone says their run was “boring” or the treadmill is “horrible”. What a gift it is to be able to move; to have two working legs that bound effortlessly through each stride, pushing against the ground and carrying me forward to each glorious mile. For me, running is a celebration of life. It’s self-expression that lets me say “I’m alive and I get to run.”

When I’m tired from an early flight or several long days of travel in a row, I try to remind myself that I get to run. I repeat the mantra in my head if my morning is particularly challenging.

I get to run.

I wake up as my flight lands and grab my bag from the overhead compartment, sleepily muttering to myself, I get to run.

When I retrieve my luggage at baggage claim I’m thinking about how lucky I am that I get to run.

I turn the key in my rental car, sipping my third cup of coffee. I get to run.

I check into my hotel, change into running clothes, stretch, smile, and head out the door. Finally, I get to run.

I’ve been on a hot streak all year long. I haven’t missed a workout and haven’t missed a mile. I’ve run 5Ks, 10Ks, 10 milers, and even a Half Marathon. Plus, I’ve worked on my speed, hills, and more. I even prioritized stretching when my mileage increased - something that has been a challenge for me in the past. So you can imagine my utter disappointment two and a half weeks ago when I fell down the stairs and dislocated my shoulder.

One of my first thoughts was "Fuck, what about running? I won’t be able to run.”

After the initial shock and pain subsided and I returned home from the ER, I was slightly depressed for a few days. I couldn’t move much and had to stare at the other runners in Chicago from my apartment window. At my doctor’s recommendation I had to skip a race I’d been building up to for 8 weeks.

My streak was broken. I was crushed.

A few days passed and I got my head on straight. I kept up with my physical therapy exercises and started biking at home. Then last week my therapist said I was doing so well that I could go out for a run last weekend. I did - and it was incredible.

I bundled up - it’s already getting brutally cold here in Chicago - and hit one of my favorite loops. I avoided the steps I’ve tripped over before and the curb that caused an ankle sprain last year. I felt sluggish and uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but to constantly think about my shoulder and worry that any given step might dislodge it and send me back to the hospital.

But after a half mile I stopped worrying and my old self took over. I get to run.

Each uncomfortable, plodding step was a reminder that I was back outside, doing my favorite thing. Each bead of sweat fell in slow motion as I ran along the beautiful shore of Lake Michigan. I felt my feet contact the ground and made a point to remember that feeling. One day I won’t get to feel that any more, but now - now I get to feel it, weeks before I thought I’d get to feel that again. And what a glorious feeling!

I’ve run two more times since then and am starting to feel like my old self. There’s a gaping two week hole in my calendar but I don’t care. There are plenty of gaps along the way but I keep lacing up my shoes and hitting the path. Each time I do, I end a string of empty days and start a new streak. And I have way more successful streaks than empty ones.

The truth is the unbroken chain is a noble but ultimately unlikely result. Things happen. Life gets in the way. Mistakes are made. Every once in a while you’re going to forget to do your daily push-ups or be too busy to write your daily word goal. It’s bound to happen sooner or later.

I try to approach it differently. I think of successful days as “Drops In A Bucket”. For every day I accomplish my goal, the bucket gets a little more full. Over time I may miss days or possibly even weeks, but hopefully I’m able to use a majority of my days to keep adding those drops. And when I look back my metaphorical bucket is way more full than when I began.

I love looking back on my year and seeing that I ran 265 out of 365 days or realizing that I accomplished my writing goal on more days than I forgot to write. Those are huge wins. My running and writing buckets are getting full to the brim.

Most advice I read is like those "One Size Fits Most” hats you see in stores. They don’t work for me. I’m a little taller and bigger than the average person and, as much as I wish they were, it inevitably doesn’t work for me.

It’s important to remember that what works for others more than likely might not work the same way for you. So know that when you see that viral TED Talk on productivity or hear about the work habits of insanely successful people, you have to take it with a grain of salt.

Seinfeld was getting paid really well to write every single day. Olympians get to run every day because it’s their job. For the rest of us, we have to make our goals work with our schedules and be content with our individual results. You may wish you were working harder or had more time but always remember that it’s a gift just to be filling our buckets up at all.

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Other Thoughts:

• I saw “The Irishman” the other night. It was extraordinary but at three-and-a-half hours(!) long I can’t help but wonder if Scorsese’s idea of what cinema should be isn’t suitable for today’s audiences. No one around us had the attention span to make it more than 20 minutes without checking their phones, talking, or going to the restroom. It’s a real shame because the movie was phenomenal.

• Currently Reading: “Digital Minimalism” by Cal Newport

• It has already snowed twice in Chicago! I’m not ready for this…

• Check out this week’s video and be sure to Subscribe to my YouTube Channel:

Permission

Do you ever find yourself waiting for someone else to give you permission to get started on something?

I know I do. All the freakin’ time. Or at least I did - I’ve been trying to get better at it…

See, what I used to do was see how someone I admired was doing something and think that there couldn’t possibly be any other route to get there. I just assumed that this person I looked up to had found the secret formula and had all the answers. So I waited for things to fall into place so I could do it just like they did.

And while I was waiting, I’d get other ideas. “Oh, what about this?” or “What if I did it this way?” I’d say to myself. But I never pursued those options because I couldn’t find anyone else doing them, too. Days, weeks, or even months would pass, then out of the blue I’d hear someone suggest one of my ideas and think “Oh, it will work! Let’s do it!”

All it took to get started was for someone else to give me permission. I just needed their permission to believe in my own idea.

Does that make sense?

This is a weird thought that’s been spinning around in my head this week. It’s one of those ideas that makes sense when I’m thinking about it, but the more I try to write it the more esoteric it becomes.

I promise it’s not that complicated. Let me give you a more concrete example:

My friend is a brilliant artist. She’s smart and talented and creative and hard working. Not to mention, her work is incredible. But, she’s a bit of an introvert. So when she reads business books or takes workshops, she gets depressed when she realizes how bad she is at marketing her products. Everything she studies tells her she needs to be outgoing nonstop so she can make connections and build her business.

We were having lunch once day and I said, “You’re looking for answers in the wrong places. You need to find ways to promote yourself that match your personality.”

She said that I was probably right but I knew that she didn’t believe me. I wasn’t in her industry; I wasn’t one of her role models. What did I know?

Then, last weekend, she let me know that she had met one of those role models and she explained to me their advice. It was practically identical to what I had told her.

“I’m going to find ways to promote this as an introvert. There are plenty of options out there - I just didn’t look hard enough.”

“That’s what I said months ago!” I told her. It took her a moment to remember.

“Oh yeah. You did.”

She didn’t rely on her own strengths to carve her own path. She had to wait for someone else to give her permission. It was someone she admired, so once they did she started to believe it.

The truth is, you don’t need to wait. You have everything you need already. You don’t need another business book or an online course. You don’t need to mimic everyone else.

The comedian Pete Holmes has a great joke about Burger King. His observation is that Burger King only opens a restaurant somewhere after McDonald’s has opened one in that location first. It’s like they didn’t know that they could do it until McDonald’s showed them the way. Holmes talks about his early comedy path and how he would “Burger King it” by seeing other comedians doing something different and realizing he could do it, too.

I never thought I would say this on Thursday Thoughts, but be McDonald’s not Burger King.

Chances are you’ve probably already had many ideas that can get you from where you are now to where you want to be, so stop waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay and start giving those ideas a shot. You don’t need anyone’s permission except your own.

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Other Thoughts:

• I’ll be performing at The Magic Penthouse in Chicago this weekend. Use code “laborday” for 50% off tickets.

• Are you on the mailing list? Join The Mystery to get tour dates, special announcements and new posts.

• Just did a show at Ramapo College in Mahwah, NJ a few days ago. Obsessed with my 360 camera, so here’s a behind-the-scenes view:

Feedback

Ten years ago I got an email from a man I had performed with during a variety showcase. This guy criticized my act and condescendingly told me how he could have done it better because of his “years of experience” and “expertise”.

At the time I was just trying shit out onstage in hopes of getting better and finding my voice. I was young. I had no direction or style. I barely had any stage time under my belt. I was just minding my own business and here was this guy invading my inbox with his “holier than thou” attitude.

I was devastated. And upset…and angry…and shocked. So I spent the next 24 hours crafting the perfect response, sent it off, and thought to myself: “That’ll show him.”

I never heard back. But that guy’s words echoed in my brain, haunting me for weeks afterwards. And gradually I started to make changes to my show just to move on and get that email out of my head.

Even though his ideas were horrible and I didn’t have to prove myself to that guy, it still bothered me enough that I went out of my way to appease a person I’ve only seen one night in my entire life. Unbelievable.

Flash forward to this summer and a similar experience…

An audience member emailed me to give some unsolicited advice about my show. He was cordial but slightly demeaning, telling me that I shouldn’t do certain things because he didn’t like it.

My first instinct was to laugh. Seriously, who emails a performer to tell them to change their act? If I don’t like something I just move on and assume it wasn’t for me to begin with…

After that, I started thinking about how to respond. I needed to be firm, but polite. I wanted to hold my ground and explain myself. But then I caught myself and had a wonderful realization: “I don’t owe this guy anything.”

I realized that it was a horrible decision to let one person dictate the direction of my show. No single person should have a say in my material, my wardrobe, my style, or my approach to performance. The only person who decides where I’m going is me.

It took me a decade of shows and thousands of comments, messages, calls, and e-mails to understand that, but when that thought came into focus it was crystal clear:

“No one else gets to determine the direction I’m going in.”

As I was sitting at my desk, pondering that email, another alert came in. It was another email, from a different audience member who had been at the same exact performance. She wrote:

“I was at your Friday night show. I was visiting my in-laws and suggested an adult night out for the six of us for dinner and your show. I was slightly nervous planning this evening, because what if the show was a flop?!?! The most difficult to please person said to me on the way out, “this was a winner.” Yay for you and me!! Ha ha! I loved that you got so many people involved in your show, made it personal and interactive. You are witty and engaging and I was sad when it ended! Days later and we are still talking about your act. Well done. I’ll have my eye out for you to come to my area. Best of luck with your career - you do fantastic work!”

Talk about perfect timing. That was all I needed to hear to know that I was on the right path.

Oh, and I only responded to one of those emails…but I’m sure you put that together already.

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Other Thoughts:

• Comedian Gary Gulman has been sharing brilliant tips of twitter all year. (Coincidentally as I was working on this post this week he posted this tweet. Glad to see I was thinking on the same page as one of the greats.) If you’re looking to be a better writer/performer or just enjoy good stand up, you should probably go follow him.

• All upcoming shows are posted here.

• Are you subscribed on YouTube? I have some awesome video projects coming up soon.

• Here’s a killer photo from a gig last week at Stony Brook University in Long Island:

Be Kind

I found out that a member of my building’s custodial staff passed away sometime this week.

I only interacted with him a handful of times but he was always kind in those brief encounters. He was a decent, caring man who was always working hard to ensure the building was clean and up to standards.

I couldn’t help but think that he passed away while he was still employed here, probably to support his family and make ends meet. He didn’t get to retire and enjoy the later years of his life with his loved ones. He spent his final months serving others to make their lives easier. To make my life easier.

My building isn’t that fancy. It’s nice and secure, but I don’t live in one of the most luxurious towers in Chicago. Still, there are benefits to living here. We pay for security, parking, and more. The staff helps ensure our safety and quality of life. It always gives me peace of mind to know that my wife will be safe and secure while I’m on the road for weeks at a time.

It may not be the fanciest building, but it is a nice place to live and I’m thankful for it every day. I’m grateful for the staff and the neighborhood and the proximity to local destinations.

I found it hard to write something meaningful this week, for many reasons. Mostly, I think the highly politicized news cycle made it difficult for me to find purpose in my ideas. The weight of the world can sometimes make my daily struggles seem very trivial.

I read this story last week that really broke my heart. It made me want to be nicer to everyone around me - the remaining staff in my building, strangers on the bus, my friends, my wife. It was a stark reminder that my life is pretty great and I’m very, very fortunate.

All I want this week is to be grateful for my place in the world and the fact that I get to travel for a job and entertain people everywhere I go. I get plenty of days off, have a beautiful and talented wife, and a lovely apartment where I spend the majority of my time. I don’t take it for granted.

Be grateful for the people around your that make your life easier. Go out of your way to thank them. And remember the oft-quoted phrase “Be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a hard battle.”

Have a good week. Do your best. I’ll see you next Thursday.