Less Of The Same

In college, when I was first dating my wife, we used to rent a movie to watch together almost every night. Back then we had to go to Blockbuster to pick something out.

It was always an event. We’d slowly walk the aisles and see what caught our fancy. Sometimes it was something new - an action flick or an Oscar winner, perhaps - and other times we might go for a classic. I remember jolting across the store, excitedly holding up a DVD to show Stephanie.

“This one!” I’d say in a whisper.

She’d smile and get excited, too. Then we’d wait in line, head home, and check another film off our must-see list.

I was thinking this week about how much I miss that.

These days everything feels the same. I shop for groceries, talk to clients, watch movies, read the news, order supplies, and fill my time all in one 1920x1080 window. It’s cold and lifeless and unenjoyable. There’s no separation between one activity and the next. None of it feels special. Everything happens on a screen and it all blurs together. Every single day it’s more of the same.

When you browse through Netflix in search of a new movie, you’re being shown a set of films chosen by an algorithm. It’s all based on your previous viewing history and what a computer thinks you might enjoy. But when we would walk around Blockbuster it wasn’t anything like that. There was no mission — we were waiting for a film to catch our eye and call out to us.

Sometimes it would be the box art, like a shiny case or bright colors. Other times it might be an employee pick or a recommended film. And sometimes we’d just take a gamble on a film and get really lucky. However we chose, though, it was our choice and that made it special.

We spent so much time at Blockbuster that we came up with a game to play while we were browsing the racks. We’d look at the other people in the store and see if we could match them to their car out front, based only on their looks and behavior. Sometimes we’d have to mosey around the store for twenty minutes, just so we could wait for someone to leave and see if we were right.

Those are the little moments that I miss most. Each activity was accompanied by its own unique set of characteristics: a special aroma, an endless list of inside jokes, background noise, and an atmosphere all its own. Now there’s a sameness to everything that makes it hard for me to recall when I stopped doing one activity and started the next. I’ve grown weary of that — I want less of the same.

The pandemic has exacerbated this problem. Running errands right now is a huge hassle. Lines are long, there are too many rules, and the neighborhood still feels weird. It’s just easier to automate those things, so we find ourselves ordering things online to avoid the chaos. It’s just so convenient. But I miss browsing the aisles and picking stuff out for myself. I miss being able to differentiate between the various parts of my day.

It’s not only the pandemic, though. This has been happening for a very long time. That’s why I’m on the search for more mystery. I want more things in my life to remind me of those little moments that make life worth living — typewriters, cameras, classic movies, you name it. And, I even have a podcast in the works, too.

If it seems like I’m always going on about this that’s because it’s literally all I think about. I’m more sedentary than I’ve ever been in my life. All of my work is on a computer right now and a good deal of my spare time seems to involve a screen, too. It’s driving me nuts. So, I’ve been forcing myself to break free of my addictions and search for memorable experiences in other ways.

As I often say, none of my favorite experiences have ever taken place on a screen. Not a single one. In fifty years I’m not going to count any of my screen time amongst my favorite memories. My favorite memories are all moments in the real world — when enthusiasm and serendipity collide in an unexpected and unforgettable fashion. Those are the things I’ll always remember.

There are too many to name here, but I’ll leave you with one…

It’s 2008, I’m meandering around Blockbuster looking for the perfect movie. Stephanie is somewhere else in the store, doing the same. We’re on the hunt.

And then, at the back of the store, I see it. The one. The ideal film, almost glistening in the light.

I reach for it and as I do my hand meets someone else’s hand and I look up to see Stephanie’s face. We die laughing.

“This one!”

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About Mark Toland

Mark Toland is an award-winning mind reader and two-time TEDx Speaker. His mind blowing skills have been featured on NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, NPR, WGN, Sirius XM, and more. Mark’s blog is a behind-the-scenes look at the life of a professional entertainer, full of creative thoughts for creative people. Sign up below so you’ll never miss a post.

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One Month Off Of Social Media

Today is officially one month since I deleted my social media accounts.

You know what? Life is pretty great.

Turns out you have a ton of time for the things you want to be doing when you aren’t spending hours mindlessly scrolling websites that are specifically designed to addict us.

The funny thing is that unless you've read this blog, virtually no one has noticed that I’m gone. No family members have reached out to see what’s going on, no friends have wondered what happened. I’ve had one person let me know they couldn’t find me on Facebook and another person try to send me a message on Instagram - WHY?! - and have to text me instead. Other than that, life is exactly the same.

With my newfound free time I’ve been writing and reading more. I wrote an entire script for a new show I’ve been working on, rewatched some of my favorite movies, and doubled my exercise routine. I’m not worried about what’s trending on Twitter or staying current on social media, I’m only focused on doing the things I enjoy and trying to get better at them each and every day.

Truthfully, it feels like I’ve been off of social media for at least six months. I really wasn’t posting much towards the end. The only difference now is that I can’t login. I can’t see my friends’ posts or scroll through their latest photos. I can’t access my messages and I’m not up on the latest gossip. 

I don’t miss it at all.

I was worried that being off of social media might hurt my career goals or keep me from being informed. Wrong! All of my work comes in the form of e-mail or phone calls, so I’m still just as busy. And I just got a New York Times subscription so I still read the articles and keep up with breaking news without people on both sides yelling at me about it.

Perhaps the most annoying thing of all is when people reference social media away from social media: “Did you see that thing on Facebook about…?” or “Have you seen my Instagram story?” That drives me crazy. I’m really focused on being right here right now and many people are too caught up in the latest online challenge or drama to actually be here with me.

The funny thing is I really believe that this is what most people want, too. They want to escape social media but they’re too scared to walk away.

Someone showed me a post on Instagram and I was unable to hide my boredom, simply saying “Oh, cool.” They seemed disappointed and I could sense a fleeting realization dart across their eyes, as if to say “Oh yeah, this is pretty dumb, isn’t it?” 

I caught up with another friend I hadn't seen for a couple months and asked how they were doing. They said “Well just got back from that trip I wrote about on Facebook and that’s about it.”

I told them I wasn’t on FB any more and therefore I had no idea what they were talking about. And they lit up! I miss that feeling, you know? We used to get such a rush when we had good news to share or something difficult to confide in someone. Now we hurry to the internet to share it with the world without worrying whether it’s helpful or harmful or anywhere in between.

When my friend realized I had deleted social media he started to tell me about where he’d been and what he’d been up to. I could tell he was excited but also that he never did this. No one ever approached a conversation with him without already knowing most of the details. As a result, he’d forgotten how to tell a story. There was no beginning, middle, and end. Turns out when you only have 240 characters to get your point across you start to lose the ability to do it with more.

I think most people are desperate to get off of social media but they don’t know how. It’s simple: you just do it. Stay off for a day. If that goes well, make it a week. Then, go for longer. And don’t fall for the trap that you won’t log on or post but you’ll hang onto the account in case you need to “keep in touch with family or friends”. That’s an easy excuse. You need to delete it if you ever want to rid yourself of the constant impulse you have to sign in and start scrolling. If you really want to keep in touch with someone you’ll find a way. And you won’t have to rely on someone else’s platform to do so.

I’ve been convinced for years that I needed social media to be a good citizen and a successful entrepreneur but it’s not true. That’s just a lie we’ve been sold by corporations in Silicon Valley. You’ll be fine without it.

There was a moment a few months ago when I saw a post on social media that drove me crazy. I fumed about it for hours. I couldn’t get it off my mind. I called my wife to complain and woke up in the middle of the night angry about it.

Then, I stopped.

“What the hell am I doing?” I thought. "This isn't me. How am I letting a few lines of text on a screen get to me so much? Why does it matter? This is not worth my time.” That was the final straw. I’d been thinking about it forever - it was time to finally pull the plug.

That post was cleverly designed to elicit a reaction. That was the whole goal. Someone wanted to stoke the fire and stir up some controversy. They wanted me to complain and get mad and share it with anger and click and comment and write letters to the editor. They wanted to take up a small part of my brain and a large part of my time. And it worked - it fucking worked - but I refuse to let it work on me again.

My wife also deleted her social media last year. She told someone at a party a while back and they said, “But how do you keep up with memes?

Kill me now.

If the main reason you’re on social media is to keep up with memes then you may need to reassess your life. My favorite moments in life have never been on my phone. It’s not a photo or a video or an app or a gadget. It’s not a hashtag or an online challenge or a viral video. My favorite moments are always with people in places doing things that I’ll never forget: seeing the Grand Tetons, riding horseback through North Dakota, skydiving, performing in Dubai, getting married to Stephanie, seeing the ocean for the first time, and more.

I think the reason our phones are so addictive and social media is so popular is that we, as humans, really hate being alone with our thoughts. We don’t like the silence and we hate being bored.

I’m the opposite.

I want to get lost in my thoughts. I want to understand things and philosophize and have long discussions with people about life’s big questions.

I like long runs or car rides or flights where I can get lost in my own head. Being alone with my thoughts gives me time to dream up new essay topics or ideas for my show. Sometimes my thoughts go other places: I can’t get over that dumb thing I said the night before or something embarrassing I said many years ago. But that’s part of life! Coping with difficult feelings is an important and necessary part of my existence. Understanding where I come from, who I am, and how it’s made me into the person I am now are all important parts of getting older and being alive. I want to feel all the feelings and think all of the thoughts…not just the good ones.

Allowing ourselves to be alone with our thoughts is essential. “Oh, that sounds horrible, Mark!” I hear you say. It only sounds horrible because you’ve forgotten how great it can be. You’re so busy distracting yourself with hashtags and trending topics that you’ve forgotten that those things aren’t making you a better person.

Being alone with your ideas, free of distractions and noise, will make you feel more creative, smarter, and less cynical. You’ll start to understand why you have certain opinions, without needing a headline to tell you what to think and feel. You’ll start to dream again, saying “What if I did something like this…?” and remember how exciting it is to actually do something for yourself without needing to show it off to strangers on a website. 

I promise you: it’s worth it.

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Other Thoughts:

• Here’s my reading list for 2020.

• Go here for upcoming shows in Chicago.

• Some big announcements coming soon in 2020 but for now, I’m mostly excited to do shows, run some more races, and travel. Thanks for reading and I hope the new year is off to a great start for you!

The Secret To Success

Here’s a thought:

There’s one simple secret that will make you successful at what you want to do in life. It’s not even really a secret, though, because I guarantee you already know it.

I’ve spent years reading books, taking classes, watching tutorials, listening to lectures, and more, hoping to hear the magic formula that would take me to the next level. I was convinced that someone would eventually say the correct combination of words that would give me the knowledge to be truly great at something.

I’ll save you some time: the answer is already in front of you. You can stop searching for it because I’m going to tell you what it is.

The secret to success is simple (at least in theory):

Find the thing you enjoy doing most, then do it as much as possible. After that, do it a lot more.

That’s it. It sounds simple, right? Almost too simple even. But it’s true - the way to be truly great at something is to do it as much as you possibly can.

I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but there are no shortcuts. You can’t cheat your way to being the best at what you do. You have to work at it nonstop - and then some.

I don’t think we (I’ll include myself here) like to hear advice like this. We want a magic pill or a secret elixir that will catapult us to the next level of proficiency. So we devour self-help books and TED Talks in hopes of gaining wisdom that will keep us from needing to truly work towards mastery in our given field.

The truth is: there is no Secret formula, there is no four-hour-work-week-quick-path-to-success. You’ve known the answer all along, now you just need to put in the work.

For me it’s stage time. I try to get onstage as much as possible. I do a hundred full-length 60-75 minute shows every year. Plus, I do unannounced open mics, cabaret spots, hosting gigs, and storytelling events around Chicago in between.

I love studying my favorite authors and learning about their writing process. Some people write by hand, others prefer a computer. Some write in the morning, others in the evening. It varies, depending on the individual - but all of them have this in common: they try to write every single day and reach a certain word count.

I’m also a part-time, non-elite runner. I enjoy logging miles along Lake Michigan in the summer and I’d love to be faster. When I read about elite runners I notice that the amount of miles they log is insane. They have to spend more time on their feet so they can run further and faster. Hard for someone like me - a self-employed artist - but I do the best I can to commit to runs as often as possible and gradually add mileage throughout the year.

No matter your interest, if you want to be great you need to spend as much time working on it as possible. You don’t need any more self-help books or online tutorials, just 20-30 years of hard work.

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Other Thoughts:

• The New York Times says human contact is becoming a luxury good so I guess that means I provide a luxury service now.

• Some people asked about the typewriter in my recent photos. It’s an Olivetti Lettera 32, used by famous writers including Cormac McCarthy, Lady Gaga, Bob Dylan, and more. I’ll write more on it in a future post.

• You have one chance left to see MIND READER in Chicago, then it’s off to Pittsburgh. All upcoming shows can be found here.