Letting Go

The floor creaked under my feet as I walked across the empty room.

Moments before an audience had risen with thunderous applause, but for what reason?

Papers, pencils, rubber bands, and paper clips made their way back into my messenger bag. The satchel was all I needed for my show and my filmmaking hobby. There was space left over for other things but I didn't have anything else with me.

For once, I had all I needed.

"Please don't tell anyone what this says," I told her before leaving the stage.

My finale was meant to leave the audience with a mystery instead of an answer. A private message enjoyed by one person, while everyone else enjoyed her enjoyment.

Instead, she revealed all. Overcome with emotion, she broke down and told the audience what she was feeling. A strong moment that was met with laughter and applause, but not the moment I desired.

I stood backstage fuming.

Why hadn't she listened to me? She was destroying the moment I had worked hard to create. She was ruining the ending. She was erasing the mystery.

But seconds later, I stopped worrying about it. I was offstage now and there wasn't anything I could do. It wasn't up to me.

If she wanted to read my message out loud, then so be it. If she wanted to cry, then go right ahead. In that moment, I realized I could only give her a suggestion but, in the end, it wasn't my choice.

And I stood in the wings, learning to let go.

It's never come easily to me - learning to let go, I mean. But now I understand.

I took one last look at the room and smiled to myself. Something magical had happened in here tonight. Yes, this was a gymnasium by day but tonight I had transformed it into a theater. I had really connected with people. I had been more than just an entertainer. I was becoming an artist.

But did they get what I was trying to say? Did they truly understand the real meaning of the show?

I don't know. It's not up to me. It's out of my control.

I flipped off the lights and whistled softly to myself as I walked to my car. I wasn't even thinking about the show anymore. I had already let it go.

My Friend Jacob

This is my friend Jacob.

He was the first friend I made after my dad passed away in 2006. I burst into his dorm room and said “Can I throw water balloons out your window?”

And he said, “Can I help?”

Simple as that. We were pranksters and comedians and dreamers and best of friends. We wore masks around the dorms and knocked on doors to scare other students. We made silly videos and threw parties. Everything we did was to put a smile on other people’s faces.

That was Jake.

A carefree, selfless dude with a contagious enthusiasm. You couldn’t help but be happy when Jake was around.

Sometimes before I go onstage I have to psyche myself up and get in the right mindset to really give a good performance. But Jake was that guy all the time. He was always in a good mood. He’d had some hard knocks and some tough times, but through it all he kept smiling and kept moving forward.

Of all my friends, Jake was the one with the biggest dreams. At least, he was the one talking about them. He wanted to do more and see more and be more. He talked about it constantly.

He’d help me with video projects and set up backstage at my show. He was a groomsman at my wedding and made sure everything went off without a hitch. He had a magical way of cracking a joke or telling a story that would make you forget everything else that was bothering you in that moment.

That was Jake.

Fun, loving, caring, funny, outgoing, crazy, and friendly. Jake was all of those things and more.

I know it doesn’t really mean anything but our friendship on Facebook listed us as “Brothers”. He was always more than a friend to me. He was family.

In a time when a lot of people weren't supporting me or my wife, Jake did. He always put others first. Always.

He was one of a kind.

And he’s been on my mind this morning, because I just found out he died by suicide this week.

I haven’t been this sad in a really long time.

The last time I spoke to Jake was in January of this year. He sent me a text about a video I had made. He had made a brief appearance in it.

I said “We love you, man. So glad you were part of that story.”

And he replied “Thanks man! Love you guys!!! So glad to be a part of your guys’ life.”

I’m so glad he was a part of it, too.

Look, I’ve battled depression, too. I know a lot of my friends have. But suicide isn’t the answer.

So if you’re depressed, just know that I’m here for you. Your friends are here for you. Your family is here for you.

You can also go here: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Or here: https://www.betterhelp.com/

If you aren’t depressed, then hug your loved ones a little closer today. Reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Look up from your phone and actually listen to the people you’re with. 

Life can change in an instant, so we should all strive to be a little more selfless and put others first - just like Jake would have.

My Career In One Photo

My career can be summed up in one photo. It's a photo from a recent event in Chicago during a short show I gave at the end of the evening. Take a look:

What makes this photo so special?

My goal with my entertainment has always been to make it about the audience. I love how everyone in this group is smiling and enjoying my entertainment - but most importantly I love how they aren't looking at me.

They're looking at something amazing that just happened off camera. It doesn't matter what it is, because you need to be there to understand.

Also - and I'm giving away a HUGE SECRET here - I'm looking down while everyone else is reacting. The truth is, I always have to look down or away or left or right when I show people something amazing. I just have to look somewhere else, because people need permission to freak out without being scrutinized. When I look away they react without fear of being judged by me. For a split second, their true self appears, reacts, then disappears again behind the facade of everyday life. But it won't show up unless I look away.

What you can understand from this photo is that I'm not a performer with a huge ego. It's not all about me and what I can do. It's about sharing an experience with a group of people they will never forget. I'm their tour guide on a personal journey. And the journey leads to something unforgettable.

That's why I do what I do. And that's why this photo sums up my life's work as an entertainer. 

Pretty cool, right?

Live At The Chicago Fringe!

I can finally announce that my show was selected for this year's Chicago Fringe Festival!

I'll be performing three shows:

September 2nd - 7pm
September 3rd - 10pm
September 5th - 2:30pm

Tickets are $10 with a one-time $5 button purchase.

This show really means a lot to me and I would love to see you there. Click here to buy your tickets now!

Mark Toland’s world-class entertainment is the go-to choice for special events worldwide. His award-winning mind reading talents have been featured on ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC, WGN, TEDx, NPR, WBEZ, SiriusXM, and PBS. Mark is based out of Chicago and travels worldwide for events. Read more about Mark or check out the booking page for more info.